Vacation

After today I will not be back at the clinic for almost two weeks. It is called "vacation". I am trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed, but I would love to accomplish something productive in these next few short days off. I am so grateful to God for my job that I love, but it will be nice to have a little break.

My birthday is in two days. I will turn 50. Wow. My brain does not feel 50, even though my body usually does. My Jubilee year. I want it to be a year of DELIBERATE. I know that's an adjective, but I would like for it to describe everything this year. Deliberate focus, deliberate action, deliberate rest, deliberate prayer, deliberate learning, deliberate love. On purpose, thoughtful. Yes.

The wanderers have returned to the nest... Last year Alex and his sweet new wife, Jessica, finished "seminary" training after their return from France, and have decided to make Ohio their home. At least while he is in nursing school...I have heard rumblings about Cambodia being a part of their future.

Amanda has returned from her year in South Africa, seasoned, wiser, higher standards for her self and others...permanently marked by the experience of seeing what abject poverty really means. My prayer is that her anger will become a healthy angry, a productive angry, and not an internalized pain.

The grandbabies are growing up. Ainsley is 6, Noah is almost 4, and Balin is an old soul, in a body not yet 2. Their mom has embraced her role in their lives with creativity, devotion, and plain old gumption. I am always amazed.

I am still fat and happy...still married, still love my job (I was born to be a nurse). I think a lot about being thoughtful, and manage to steal tiny moments of clear vision. I would love to take a month long sabbatical, in the woods, beside a body of water, alone, with books as my company. Ecstasy. A dream. One day...

Okay. So maybe I will just post once per season.

I haven't been doing much writing lately, and that is when I can tell I have not been taking the time to be mindful and purposeful. It was a crazy, weird summer. The one flat of flowers I bought are still sitting in the flat on the back patio. That's just not me. But I am doing a little better...I had David bring the fall decoration box from storage, so we'll see if I can get them up before Christmas. Can't really write at work, so I'll try to pull it together later this week...Hang in there with me! :)

Really? It been almost six months since I wrote on this site? How does that happen? I just blink and another season is changing. I am conscious of wanting to live each day in the present, and try not to waste them on strife and nothingness. But looking back over a long stretch of time, I sometimes wonder if have been able to accomplish the things I want to accomplish...not in the worldly sense, but in growing in wisdom, and patience, peace, and self control. I have tried to be diligent to make sure I am honest about my emotions, not "stuffing" them, because I truly do feel a sense of peace about life in general. I remember one of my first posts had a similar theme...about being real. I think I'm doing okay.

I truly love my work. It is so completely stress free. That is such a new concept for me...my other work at least had the persistent potential to be an onslaught of adrenaline. Not so much here...although I have had to call a squad a couple of times. But, even though it is "retail health", I still feel like I have the opportunity to meet people where they are and try to be a blessing to their lives. It is not the little African mission I had in Columbus, but I have had more time here to BE with people, and to LISTEN to them, to encourage them, and lift them up. I have become convinced that you can minister ANYWHERE, as long as you commit to letting God work through you.

My children continue to live their lives in such beautiful ways...I feel more blessed than anyone could imagine. I like them. Thank you, God.

I'll try not to wait six more months...but who knows...

Fighting Fog...again.

Supper: Caramel Apple

I love sisters. One of mine brought me a caramel apple to work today. She is one of the most thoughtful, insightful people I know. I don't get home from work until about 8:30pm, so when I got home last night, I decided that since I am a grown up, and didn't have to fix food for anyone else, I was having caramel apple for supper. It was heavenly. But eating it led to a bit of reflection...

I don't really know how to articulate it clearly, but I am no longer "distracted" by having to meet the needs of children for the first time in 25 years. It didn't strike me as a freedom, but as an enormous responsibility. For the first time in such a long time, maybe ever, I have the responsibility to be me...to know who I am, to be who I really am, to think, to act...to actually be the person I imagine myself to be in my mind. I am the only one who can hold me back and keep me from living real, or wasting precious time. I want to LIVE, to bring out the best of myself and others, to grow, and learn.

I am grateful to be mindful of living deeper. My sweet caramel apple sister is one of the people who reminds me of these realities with her life. By the way, I did make a little omlette while I was dwelling on these profundities... :)

Supernatural Sacrifice

I have always stated, proudly, that I am a pretty nice gal, unless you hurt one of my children... but if you hurt one of my children, then the gloves come off, the claws come out...

Someone has hurt one of my children.

Deeply. With words he did not deserve.

And now I have a dilemma...I can live in the flesh, and retaliate with words. Or I can live in the spirit of God, and turn it over to Him. I know which one I WANT to do. Right now. But Ephesians 4:29-5:1 keeps playing over and over in my head.

To sacrifice my overwhelming desire to act on my motherly instinct goes against everything that is human in me. But today, I choose to "live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God"...it's just not natural.

Too much space in my bed...

The tons of toys have been packed away, the rubber bands have been removed from all the cabinet doors, the soggy sidewalk chalk has been picked up off the porch, the organic whole milk is out of date, and the dog has crawled out from under the table...the babies have gone home to Massachusettes. There is a hole in my heart, and too much space in my bed. I just pray that the memories will be just a tiny bit as precious to them one day as they are to me. I still remember the plastic turquoise light that hung on the head of my Grandmother's bed when I cuddled down between her and Grandaddy. Maybe they will remember something good...

It is quiet. But I'm okay. Learning to breathe deeply.

The Not So Empty Nest

The last one. She is in a life-changing environment, without me. She has been wandering away, in a beautiful way, for about a year or so. We even had a talk about it..."let's avoid the typical drama, and just enjoy each other this year". She pretty much did her own thing...she always has, though. I'm sure I annoyed her sufficiently, but she rarely let on. Her faith is her own, she made sure of that. I've been lifting her up to the Father, asking Him to complete His work in her, but the mother in me wants Him to make it as pain free as is possible. I miss her.

My sweet grandbabies have done their job at filling the void at the moment. They will be with us for a few more weeks, and I love it! I had forgotten, however, that having toddlers and preschoolers around is like CONSTANT crisis management. :) Their mother is more amazing than I can even describe. Reality will begin in September when Massachusettes reclaims them. But I am not afraid, or sad. I am the most fortunate mother on the planet to have the children I have.

Alex, the conqueror, continues to grow in his role as a man of God, and I pray the same prayer for him...mold him, gently. He needs to read Leaving Ruin before he decides on full time ministry. I try not to be, but I am a bit afraid of that. Ministry sounds good in theory. But the reality can be painful. It can leave permanent damage. I know.

Focus

I don't know if it is just that I am tired, or that I have worked more days in the past week than I usually do, but my brain is having a hard time focusing... I'm not having any trouble with factual information, but trouble with conceptual information, and remembering tasks that I don't write down. I want to keep a record of my cognitive state...if I can remember! ha! I want to be fully present as I help Amanda make the transition to life on her own in Lubbock. I don't want to be foggy. I want it to be a good memory for her, and for me.

We had several members of the church over yesterday evening to pray over Amanda, asking God to bless her on her journey. The same core group seems to show up for things like that...we need to get to know them better. We can't keep floundering without community. I am reading Larry Crabb's "The Safest Place on Earth", and oh, my. I long for the connection he writes about. But it is not just going to drop in my lap. It is going to require effort, committment on my part. I told Amy I am just not up for "playing church" any more, for drowning in "church activities". But she reminded me that being involved in some of the church's activities is one way to surround yourself with the people that can encourage you in your walk with Christ. That is true, if we can be real with each other, and not merely congenial. I am praying about the future, and I am hopeful.

Summer full of memories...

It has been more than a joy to have Amy and the babies here! I would never get tired of it. However, it was quiet last night since they are visiting Bubby, and so I went to bed early, and that was nice.

I also had a few minutes to spend with Amanda, too. That was awesome. She will be leaving in just a couple of weeks, and I know she is so excited. I am excited for her. She will do great. I just continue to pray that God will use all of my children for His glory...a scary thing to pray sometimes.

I continue to thank God for the position at Take Care Health, but I will have to see more patients soon or I will lose my marbles! ha! I have enjoyed getting to know the store staff, and continue to ask God to use me to serve them, and to show them His love. I love that some of the young people congregate around my desk for some "mama love".

I need to make a list of adventures I would like for us to take in the next few weeks...

Hang On for the Ride!

They're coming! Ben will be in officer training for several weeks in Kentucky, so Amy and the babies are coming to stay with us! I can hardly wait. They will be here Thursday night. I know it will be a whirlwind, but I am so excited about having them here. Amanda will be moving to Texas while they are here and God is so good to make sure I will be a bit distracted. :) We will finish up their time here with a trip to Disney! Woo-hoo!

I have started a new job since I posted last. I am one of the NPs at the new Walgreen's clinic in Heath. No more hour long drives to and from work. I can't describe the difference it has made in how I feel. I work two 8's and two 12's or three 12's. Not many patients yet, but it's coming. Even though I miss the babies at Children's, I am soooo happy to stay close to home.

James and Marlene passed on an opportunity to move across the country, and my heart is just so grateful that we are all here. We have all committed to trying to get together more and not take for granted that we are here together.

We are finally getting our financial house in order, and I have been going to Curves, so I feel that there has been progress made in the two things that were among my biggest stressors. My 6 month MRI in June showed NO NEW LESIONS again, and I had lost 5 more pounds...that's 10 this year...slowly but surely.

We continue to pray for God's guidance in regards to finding a group of like-minded believers to worship with. I've thought about putting an ad in the paper! :) We just want to grow with people who think deeply, who are spiritually minded, not smothering in stiff, mindless traditions, but not blindly influenced by emotions. Genuine. Passionate about Jesus and service, who build each other up, and are kind. I just know I don't have the energy to drown in "church activities" any more. But I am searching for partners to share in spiritual formation, transformation, forgiveness, grace, peace...the things I know are growing in my heart and mind. They are out there...I know they are. We will find them.

Seasons of peace can sneak up on you unexpectedly. I feel it. Now, with some fabulous little people in the house for the next few weeks we might not HEAR the peace, but it will be here. Thank you, God.

Life Goes On...

It is March...which means January and February (and most of March) are gone. It just goes by so fast! Alex is home from France. Amanda is getting ready to graduate. I had the opportunity to meet Jessica in Lubbock (what a treasure). I miss Ainsley and Noah (and Amy and Ben). I have been feeling well, and working quite a bit. The weather is dreary, and I am ready for spring. Alex and Amanda move to Lubbock in August, and Amy is planning a trip to Disney for us in September.

My 6 month MRI in December showed no more lesions in my brain, so it seems the Avonex and Copaxone are working...thank you, Jesus.

David will no longer be preaching in Martinsburg in a couple of weeks, and while that will be a financial struggle, it will be good for our spiritual lives. We have decided to go to church with Alex and Amanda, at least while they are still in town, and then we will decide what to do after they move.

More later...

Whoa!

Okay. So I just about hit the wall last night. The nurse at my clinic gave me my Avonex at 6p, I stopped for a couple of errands, and by the time I got home at 8p I could hardly get out of the car. I had fever and chills and agony until about 10:30p when I felt better even quicker than I had come apart. I felt bad that Amanda was here...I have tried to protect her from it as much as I can. I don't usually get so sick until about 6 hours after the shot and no one usually sees. Julie and James have been so faithful to check on me, take care of me, on Thursdays. I am a blessed woman. My biggest challenge has been to develop a way to be consistent in my thinking...writing every day would help, but I seem to have a hard time doing anything that requires discipline. It seems like the story of my life...my biggest frustration. Will it get better? I pray.

Childhood friend...

Her name is Wanda Caldwell Urban. We were good buddies when we were children/pre-teens...I can't remember much about it (any one who knows me would not be surprised that I can't remember). Wanda called several years ago to reconnect (after about 30 years!). We had a great visit with their family when they visited us in Martinsburg. That was about 6-7 years ago, and she called again last night. She called Martinsburg first, and when she couldn't get me there, she called my dad to get my number and he told her about the MS. Sit down. You won't believe this. She has MS too! So bizarre! It was so good to talk to her. I always get the impression when I talk to her that she has no filters, no mask. It is very refreshing. She left me with something profound today...



...a friend of hers is doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Daniel, and she shared with Wanda her study about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and about how scripture states that not only did they not burn when thrown into the fire, they DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE SMOKE. They didn't let the trials of their lives leave a stink on them. I want to be like that! I don't want to smell like smoke!



With David and Amanda at work I am uncharacteristically lonely tonight. I don't know why...I had to take the Avonex on Sunday night, and again today because of scheduling issues, so I didn't really have enough time to "recover" before I had to do it again. The fatigue is most distressing. It makes me feel lazy, and I hate that. It has taken me much too long to get the Christmas decorating done, and I am praying for the energy to get ready for all of the family to be here...not even anything all out, just cleaning the bathroom and normal stuff! The garage is the biggest challenge, and it HAS to get done in the next couple of weeks! It is a disaster, and it overwhelms me.



My joy this week has been the new twinkle Christmas tree lights and reconnecting with a sister. They both make me smile! :)

I'm Okay...

Since I haven't told anyone about this blog I can let go of the urge to say something profound...I like that. My brain is feeling a bit numb today, cluttered, dim. This is what the fatigue of MS feels like. Blah. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I can't seem to pull myself together to be productive. But I do look forward to posting on Thursdays, and I usually have a Coke, as a "reward". But I have had a couple this week already. Oh, well.

I will be picking Valerie up from the airport tonight. I miss her. I don't spend enough time with friends. There are so few people I feel like I can be tranparent with, but that is my fault...I don't take the time to develop the friendships. I have taken comfort in enveloping myself in home. And that's okay for now. It is healing.

I'm okay.

My heart is working...

For the past few years I have been concerned that my heart does not work like it is supposed to, like it used to...

I get less emotional about life events, less worried, more "settled". I just don't get upset very easily, and seem to just take things in stride that a few years ago would really ruffle my feathers. I have wondered if I was becoming emotionally blunted. I have not come apart with a child choosing to live half-way around the world. I have met physical challenges with little more than a sense of resignation. But in the last few months, the introspection I have afforded myself has shown me that my heart indeed works just fine, thank you. It is just that I am beginning to realize that my faith has begun to expand, to take the shape I have always wished it would take. I have fewer and fewer doubts that God is in control, and that we were only meant to be here for just a little while...that the future holds so much good, even if not here on earth.

There ARE life issues that I am passionate about and get on my soap box about, and my newly recognized faith is not complete. This morning I cried when I thought about my baby, my last born, graduating and moving to who knows where across the globe. And my unruffled feathers begin to ruffle when I dwell on issues such as how childbirth, breastfeeding, and mothering have been corrupted in this country, and how religious legalism blinds people I love, and pushes away others I adore. Sometimes I just get mad. See, my heart is working...

Hello to me...

I love to read anything Caron Guillo writes. I miss my friend. Reading her blog has motivated me to start one myself. Mostly for myself...to clarify, to discover, to feel "out loud". So, Hello to me.


I have been writing more on paper since the MS diagnosis in June. Coming to really recognize your own mortality can be a great motivation for reevaluating your life's priorities and direction. Looking toward the future can suddenly hold less naive uncertainty, and require a challenging look at reality. What do I want to leave as a heritage for my children? Will I become a burden to those I love? Will my cognitive abilities slip away so slowly that I will not notice? Will anyone be brave enough to tell me?


I want to use what God brings into my life to glorify Him. But I do not want to be defined by a disease, or let it deter me. It has only been a few months and I am already weary of being asked, "How are you feeling?" because people think of MS when they see me. I need to work through this. I will work through this.