Whoa!

Okay. So I just about hit the wall last night. The nurse at my clinic gave me my Avonex at 6p, I stopped for a couple of errands, and by the time I got home at 8p I could hardly get out of the car. I had fever and chills and agony until about 10:30p when I felt better even quicker than I had come apart. I felt bad that Amanda was here...I have tried to protect her from it as much as I can. I don't usually get so sick until about 6 hours after the shot and no one usually sees. Julie and James have been so faithful to check on me, take care of me, on Thursdays. I am a blessed woman. My biggest challenge has been to develop a way to be consistent in my thinking...writing every day would help, but I seem to have a hard time doing anything that requires discipline. It seems like the story of my life...my biggest frustration. Will it get better? I pray.

Childhood friend...

Her name is Wanda Caldwell Urban. We were good buddies when we were children/pre-teens...I can't remember much about it (any one who knows me would not be surprised that I can't remember). Wanda called several years ago to reconnect (after about 30 years!). We had a great visit with their family when they visited us in Martinsburg. That was about 6-7 years ago, and she called again last night. She called Martinsburg first, and when she couldn't get me there, she called my dad to get my number and he told her about the MS. Sit down. You won't believe this. She has MS too! So bizarre! It was so good to talk to her. I always get the impression when I talk to her that she has no filters, no mask. It is very refreshing. She left me with something profound today...



...a friend of hers is doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Daniel, and she shared with Wanda her study about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and about how scripture states that not only did they not burn when thrown into the fire, they DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE SMOKE. They didn't let the trials of their lives leave a stink on them. I want to be like that! I don't want to smell like smoke!



With David and Amanda at work I am uncharacteristically lonely tonight. I don't know why...I had to take the Avonex on Sunday night, and again today because of scheduling issues, so I didn't really have enough time to "recover" before I had to do it again. The fatigue is most distressing. It makes me feel lazy, and I hate that. It has taken me much too long to get the Christmas decorating done, and I am praying for the energy to get ready for all of the family to be here...not even anything all out, just cleaning the bathroom and normal stuff! The garage is the biggest challenge, and it HAS to get done in the next couple of weeks! It is a disaster, and it overwhelms me.



My joy this week has been the new twinkle Christmas tree lights and reconnecting with a sister. They both make me smile! :)

I'm Okay...

Since I haven't told anyone about this blog I can let go of the urge to say something profound...I like that. My brain is feeling a bit numb today, cluttered, dim. This is what the fatigue of MS feels like. Blah. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I can't seem to pull myself together to be productive. But I do look forward to posting on Thursdays, and I usually have a Coke, as a "reward". But I have had a couple this week already. Oh, well.

I will be picking Valerie up from the airport tonight. I miss her. I don't spend enough time with friends. There are so few people I feel like I can be tranparent with, but that is my fault...I don't take the time to develop the friendships. I have taken comfort in enveloping myself in home. And that's okay for now. It is healing.

I'm okay.

My heart is working...

For the past few years I have been concerned that my heart does not work like it is supposed to, like it used to...

I get less emotional about life events, less worried, more "settled". I just don't get upset very easily, and seem to just take things in stride that a few years ago would really ruffle my feathers. I have wondered if I was becoming emotionally blunted. I have not come apart with a child choosing to live half-way around the world. I have met physical challenges with little more than a sense of resignation. But in the last few months, the introspection I have afforded myself has shown me that my heart indeed works just fine, thank you. It is just that I am beginning to realize that my faith has begun to expand, to take the shape I have always wished it would take. I have fewer and fewer doubts that God is in control, and that we were only meant to be here for just a little while...that the future holds so much good, even if not here on earth.

There ARE life issues that I am passionate about and get on my soap box about, and my newly recognized faith is not complete. This morning I cried when I thought about my baby, my last born, graduating and moving to who knows where across the globe. And my unruffled feathers begin to ruffle when I dwell on issues such as how childbirth, breastfeeding, and mothering have been corrupted in this country, and how religious legalism blinds people I love, and pushes away others I adore. Sometimes I just get mad. See, my heart is working...

Hello to me...

I love to read anything Caron Guillo writes. I miss my friend. Reading her blog has motivated me to start one myself. Mostly for myself...to clarify, to discover, to feel "out loud". So, Hello to me.


I have been writing more on paper since the MS diagnosis in June. Coming to really recognize your own mortality can be a great motivation for reevaluating your life's priorities and direction. Looking toward the future can suddenly hold less naive uncertainty, and require a challenging look at reality. What do I want to leave as a heritage for my children? Will I become a burden to those I love? Will my cognitive abilities slip away so slowly that I will not notice? Will anyone be brave enough to tell me?


I want to use what God brings into my life to glorify Him. But I do not want to be defined by a disease, or let it deter me. It has only been a few months and I am already weary of being asked, "How are you feeling?" because people think of MS when they see me. I need to work through this. I will work through this.