Since I haven't told anyone about this blog I can let go of the urge to say something profound...I like that. My brain is feeling a bit numb today, cluttered, dim. This is what the fatigue of MS feels like. Blah. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I can't seem to pull myself together to be productive. But I do look forward to posting on Thursdays, and I usually have a Coke, as a "reward". But I have had a couple this week already. Oh, well.
I will be picking Valerie up from the airport tonight. I miss her. I don't spend enough time with friends. There are so few people I feel like I can be tranparent with, but that is my fault...I don't take the time to develop the friendships. I have taken comfort in enveloping myself in home. And that's okay for now. It is healing.
I'm okay.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
My heart is working...
For the past few years I have been concerned that my heart does not work like it is supposed to, like it used to...
I get less emotional about life events, less worried, more "settled". I just don't get upset very easily, and seem to just take things in stride that a few years ago would really ruffle my feathers. I have wondered if I was becoming emotionally blunted. I have not come apart with a child choosing to live half-way around the world. I have met physical challenges with little more than a sense of resignation. But in the last few months, the introspection I have afforded myself has shown me that my heart indeed works just fine, thank you. It is just that I am beginning to realize that my faith has begun to expand, to take the shape I have always wished it would take. I have fewer and fewer doubts that God is in control, and that we were only meant to be here for just a little while...that the future holds so much good, even if not here on earth.
There ARE life issues that I am passionate about and get on my soap box about, and my newly recognized faith is not complete. This morning I cried when I thought about my baby, my last born, graduating and moving to who knows where across the globe. And my unruffled feathers begin to ruffle when I dwell on issues such as how childbirth, breastfeeding, and mothering have been corrupted in this country, and how religious legalism blinds people I love, and pushes away others I adore. Sometimes I just get mad. See, my heart is working...
I get less emotional about life events, less worried, more "settled". I just don't get upset very easily, and seem to just take things in stride that a few years ago would really ruffle my feathers. I have wondered if I was becoming emotionally blunted. I have not come apart with a child choosing to live half-way around the world. I have met physical challenges with little more than a sense of resignation. But in the last few months, the introspection I have afforded myself has shown me that my heart indeed works just fine, thank you. It is just that I am beginning to realize that my faith has begun to expand, to take the shape I have always wished it would take. I have fewer and fewer doubts that God is in control, and that we were only meant to be here for just a little while...that the future holds so much good, even if not here on earth.
There ARE life issues that I am passionate about and get on my soap box about, and my newly recognized faith is not complete. This morning I cried when I thought about my baby, my last born, graduating and moving to who knows where across the globe. And my unruffled feathers begin to ruffle when I dwell on issues such as how childbirth, breastfeeding, and mothering have been corrupted in this country, and how religious legalism blinds people I love, and pushes away others I adore. Sometimes I just get mad. See, my heart is working...
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