Really? It been almost six months since I wrote on this site? How does that happen? I just blink and another season is changing. I am conscious of wanting to live each day in the present, and try not to waste them on strife and nothingness. But looking back over a long stretch of time, I sometimes wonder if have been able to accomplish the things I want to accomplish...not in the worldly sense, but in growing in wisdom, and patience, peace, and self control. I have tried to be diligent to make sure I am honest about my emotions, not "stuffing" them, because I truly do feel a sense of peace about life in general. I remember one of my first posts had a similar theme...about being real. I think I'm doing okay.

I truly love my work. It is so completely stress free. That is such a new concept for me...my other work at least had the persistent potential to be an onslaught of adrenaline. Not so much here...although I have had to call a squad a couple of times. But, even though it is "retail health", I still feel like I have the opportunity to meet people where they are and try to be a blessing to their lives. It is not the little African mission I had in Columbus, but I have had more time here to BE with people, and to LISTEN to them, to encourage them, and lift them up. I have become convinced that you can minister ANYWHERE, as long as you commit to letting God work through you.

My children continue to live their lives in such beautiful ways...I feel more blessed than anyone could imagine. I like them. Thank you, God.

I'll try not to wait six more months...but who knows...

Fighting Fog...again.

Supper: Caramel Apple

I love sisters. One of mine brought me a caramel apple to work today. She is one of the most thoughtful, insightful people I know. I don't get home from work until about 8:30pm, so when I got home last night, I decided that since I am a grown up, and didn't have to fix food for anyone else, I was having caramel apple for supper. It was heavenly. But eating it led to a bit of reflection...

I don't really know how to articulate it clearly, but I am no longer "distracted" by having to meet the needs of children for the first time in 25 years. It didn't strike me as a freedom, but as an enormous responsibility. For the first time in such a long time, maybe ever, I have the responsibility to be me...to know who I am, to be who I really am, to think, to act...to actually be the person I imagine myself to be in my mind. I am the only one who can hold me back and keep me from living real, or wasting precious time. I want to LIVE, to bring out the best of myself and others, to grow, and learn.

I am grateful to be mindful of living deeper. My sweet caramel apple sister is one of the people who reminds me of these realities with her life. By the way, I did make a little omlette while I was dwelling on these profundities... :)

Supernatural Sacrifice

I have always stated, proudly, that I am a pretty nice gal, unless you hurt one of my children... but if you hurt one of my children, then the gloves come off, the claws come out...

Someone has hurt one of my children.

Deeply. With words he did not deserve.

And now I have a dilemma...I can live in the flesh, and retaliate with words. Or I can live in the spirit of God, and turn it over to Him. I know which one I WANT to do. Right now. But Ephesians 4:29-5:1 keeps playing over and over in my head.

To sacrifice my overwhelming desire to act on my motherly instinct goes against everything that is human in me. But today, I choose to "live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God"...it's just not natural.

Too much space in my bed...

The tons of toys have been packed away, the rubber bands have been removed from all the cabinet doors, the soggy sidewalk chalk has been picked up off the porch, the organic whole milk is out of date, and the dog has crawled out from under the table...the babies have gone home to Massachusettes. There is a hole in my heart, and too much space in my bed. I just pray that the memories will be just a tiny bit as precious to them one day as they are to me. I still remember the plastic turquoise light that hung on the head of my Grandmother's bed when I cuddled down between her and Grandaddy. Maybe they will remember something good...

It is quiet. But I'm okay. Learning to breathe deeply.

The Not So Empty Nest

The last one. She is in a life-changing environment, without me. She has been wandering away, in a beautiful way, for about a year or so. We even had a talk about it..."let's avoid the typical drama, and just enjoy each other this year". She pretty much did her own thing...she always has, though. I'm sure I annoyed her sufficiently, but she rarely let on. Her faith is her own, she made sure of that. I've been lifting her up to the Father, asking Him to complete His work in her, but the mother in me wants Him to make it as pain free as is possible. I miss her.

My sweet grandbabies have done their job at filling the void at the moment. They will be with us for a few more weeks, and I love it! I had forgotten, however, that having toddlers and preschoolers around is like CONSTANT crisis management. :) Their mother is more amazing than I can even describe. Reality will begin in September when Massachusettes reclaims them. But I am not afraid, or sad. I am the most fortunate mother on the planet to have the children I have.

Alex, the conqueror, continues to grow in his role as a man of God, and I pray the same prayer for him...mold him, gently. He needs to read Leaving Ruin before he decides on full time ministry. I try not to be, but I am a bit afraid of that. Ministry sounds good in theory. But the reality can be painful. It can leave permanent damage. I know.

Focus

I don't know if it is just that I am tired, or that I have worked more days in the past week than I usually do, but my brain is having a hard time focusing... I'm not having any trouble with factual information, but trouble with conceptual information, and remembering tasks that I don't write down. I want to keep a record of my cognitive state...if I can remember! ha! I want to be fully present as I help Amanda make the transition to life on her own in Lubbock. I don't want to be foggy. I want it to be a good memory for her, and for me.

We had several members of the church over yesterday evening to pray over Amanda, asking God to bless her on her journey. The same core group seems to show up for things like that...we need to get to know them better. We can't keep floundering without community. I am reading Larry Crabb's "The Safest Place on Earth", and oh, my. I long for the connection he writes about. But it is not just going to drop in my lap. It is going to require effort, committment on my part. I told Amy I am just not up for "playing church" any more, for drowning in "church activities". But she reminded me that being involved in some of the church's activities is one way to surround yourself with the people that can encourage you in your walk with Christ. That is true, if we can be real with each other, and not merely congenial. I am praying about the future, and I am hopeful.