Fighting Fog...again.

Supper: Caramel Apple

I love sisters. One of mine brought me a caramel apple to work today. She is one of the most thoughtful, insightful people I know. I don't get home from work until about 8:30pm, so when I got home last night, I decided that since I am a grown up, and didn't have to fix food for anyone else, I was having caramel apple for supper. It was heavenly. But eating it led to a bit of reflection...

I don't really know how to articulate it clearly, but I am no longer "distracted" by having to meet the needs of children for the first time in 25 years. It didn't strike me as a freedom, but as an enormous responsibility. For the first time in such a long time, maybe ever, I have the responsibility to be me...to know who I am, to be who I really am, to think, to act...to actually be the person I imagine myself to be in my mind. I am the only one who can hold me back and keep me from living real, or wasting precious time. I want to LIVE, to bring out the best of myself and others, to grow, and learn.

I am grateful to be mindful of living deeper. My sweet caramel apple sister is one of the people who reminds me of these realities with her life. By the way, I did make a little omlette while I was dwelling on these profundities... :)

Supernatural Sacrifice

I have always stated, proudly, that I am a pretty nice gal, unless you hurt one of my children... but if you hurt one of my children, then the gloves come off, the claws come out...

Someone has hurt one of my children.

Deeply. With words he did not deserve.

And now I have a dilemma...I can live in the flesh, and retaliate with words. Or I can live in the spirit of God, and turn it over to Him. I know which one I WANT to do. Right now. But Ephesians 4:29-5:1 keeps playing over and over in my head.

To sacrifice my overwhelming desire to act on my motherly instinct goes against everything that is human in me. But today, I choose to "live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God"...it's just not natural.

Too much space in my bed...

The tons of toys have been packed away, the rubber bands have been removed from all the cabinet doors, the soggy sidewalk chalk has been picked up off the porch, the organic whole milk is out of date, and the dog has crawled out from under the table...the babies have gone home to Massachusettes. There is a hole in my heart, and too much space in my bed. I just pray that the memories will be just a tiny bit as precious to them one day as they are to me. I still remember the plastic turquoise light that hung on the head of my Grandmother's bed when I cuddled down between her and Grandaddy. Maybe they will remember something good...

It is quiet. But I'm okay. Learning to breathe deeply.

The Not So Empty Nest

The last one. She is in a life-changing environment, without me. She has been wandering away, in a beautiful way, for about a year or so. We even had a talk about it..."let's avoid the typical drama, and just enjoy each other this year". She pretty much did her own thing...she always has, though. I'm sure I annoyed her sufficiently, but she rarely let on. Her faith is her own, she made sure of that. I've been lifting her up to the Father, asking Him to complete His work in her, but the mother in me wants Him to make it as pain free as is possible. I miss her.

My sweet grandbabies have done their job at filling the void at the moment. They will be with us for a few more weeks, and I love it! I had forgotten, however, that having toddlers and preschoolers around is like CONSTANT crisis management. :) Their mother is more amazing than I can even describe. Reality will begin in September when Massachusettes reclaims them. But I am not afraid, or sad. I am the most fortunate mother on the planet to have the children I have.

Alex, the conqueror, continues to grow in his role as a man of God, and I pray the same prayer for him...mold him, gently. He needs to read Leaving Ruin before he decides on full time ministry. I try not to be, but I am a bit afraid of that. Ministry sounds good in theory. But the reality can be painful. It can leave permanent damage. I know.

Focus

I don't know if it is just that I am tired, or that I have worked more days in the past week than I usually do, but my brain is having a hard time focusing... I'm not having any trouble with factual information, but trouble with conceptual information, and remembering tasks that I don't write down. I want to keep a record of my cognitive state...if I can remember! ha! I want to be fully present as I help Amanda make the transition to life on her own in Lubbock. I don't want to be foggy. I want it to be a good memory for her, and for me.

We had several members of the church over yesterday evening to pray over Amanda, asking God to bless her on her journey. The same core group seems to show up for things like that...we need to get to know them better. We can't keep floundering without community. I am reading Larry Crabb's "The Safest Place on Earth", and oh, my. I long for the connection he writes about. But it is not just going to drop in my lap. It is going to require effort, committment on my part. I told Amy I am just not up for "playing church" any more, for drowning in "church activities". But she reminded me that being involved in some of the church's activities is one way to surround yourself with the people that can encourage you in your walk with Christ. That is true, if we can be real with each other, and not merely congenial. I am praying about the future, and I am hopeful.

Summer full of memories...

It has been more than a joy to have Amy and the babies here! I would never get tired of it. However, it was quiet last night since they are visiting Bubby, and so I went to bed early, and that was nice.

I also had a few minutes to spend with Amanda, too. That was awesome. She will be leaving in just a couple of weeks, and I know she is so excited. I am excited for her. She will do great. I just continue to pray that God will use all of my children for His glory...a scary thing to pray sometimes.

I continue to thank God for the position at Take Care Health, but I will have to see more patients soon or I will lose my marbles! ha! I have enjoyed getting to know the store staff, and continue to ask God to use me to serve them, and to show them His love. I love that some of the young people congregate around my desk for some "mama love".

I need to make a list of adventures I would like for us to take in the next few weeks...

Hang On for the Ride!

They're coming! Ben will be in officer training for several weeks in Kentucky, so Amy and the babies are coming to stay with us! I can hardly wait. They will be here Thursday night. I know it will be a whirlwind, but I am so excited about having them here. Amanda will be moving to Texas while they are here and God is so good to make sure I will be a bit distracted. :) We will finish up their time here with a trip to Disney! Woo-hoo!

I have started a new job since I posted last. I am one of the NPs at the new Walgreen's clinic in Heath. No more hour long drives to and from work. I can't describe the difference it has made in how I feel. I work two 8's and two 12's or three 12's. Not many patients yet, but it's coming. Even though I miss the babies at Children's, I am soooo happy to stay close to home.

James and Marlene passed on an opportunity to move across the country, and my heart is just so grateful that we are all here. We have all committed to trying to get together more and not take for granted that we are here together.

We are finally getting our financial house in order, and I have been going to Curves, so I feel that there has been progress made in the two things that were among my biggest stressors. My 6 month MRI in June showed NO NEW LESIONS again, and I had lost 5 more pounds...that's 10 this year...slowly but surely.

We continue to pray for God's guidance in regards to finding a group of like-minded believers to worship with. I've thought about putting an ad in the paper! :) We just want to grow with people who think deeply, who are spiritually minded, not smothering in stiff, mindless traditions, but not blindly influenced by emotions. Genuine. Passionate about Jesus and service, who build each other up, and are kind. I just know I don't have the energy to drown in "church activities" any more. But I am searching for partners to share in spiritual formation, transformation, forgiveness, grace, peace...the things I know are growing in my heart and mind. They are out there...I know they are. We will find them.

Seasons of peace can sneak up on you unexpectedly. I feel it. Now, with some fabulous little people in the house for the next few weeks we might not HEAR the peace, but it will be here. Thank you, God.

Life Goes On...

It is March...which means January and February (and most of March) are gone. It just goes by so fast! Alex is home from France. Amanda is getting ready to graduate. I had the opportunity to meet Jessica in Lubbock (what a treasure). I miss Ainsley and Noah (and Amy and Ben). I have been feeling well, and working quite a bit. The weather is dreary, and I am ready for spring. Alex and Amanda move to Lubbock in August, and Amy is planning a trip to Disney for us in September.

My 6 month MRI in December showed no more lesions in my brain, so it seems the Avonex and Copaxone are working...thank you, Jesus.

David will no longer be preaching in Martinsburg in a couple of weeks, and while that will be a financial struggle, it will be good for our spiritual lives. We have decided to go to church with Alex and Amanda, at least while they are still in town, and then we will decide what to do after they move.

More later...