Vacation

After today I will not be back at the clinic for almost two weeks. It is called "vacation". I am trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed, but I would love to accomplish something productive in these next few short days off. I am so grateful to God for my job that I love, but it will be nice to have a little break.

My birthday is in two days. I will turn 50. Wow. My brain does not feel 50, even though my body usually does. My Jubilee year. I want it to be a year of DELIBERATE. I know that's an adjective, but I would like for it to describe everything this year. Deliberate focus, deliberate action, deliberate rest, deliberate prayer, deliberate learning, deliberate love. On purpose, thoughtful. Yes.

The wanderers have returned to the nest... Last year Alex and his sweet new wife, Jessica, finished "seminary" training after their return from France, and have decided to make Ohio their home. At least while he is in nursing school...I have heard rumblings about Cambodia being a part of their future.

Amanda has returned from her year in South Africa, seasoned, wiser, higher standards for her self and others...permanently marked by the experience of seeing what abject poverty really means. My prayer is that her anger will become a healthy angry, a productive angry, and not an internalized pain.

The grandbabies are growing up. Ainsley is 6, Noah is almost 4, and Balin is an old soul, in a body not yet 2. Their mom has embraced her role in their lives with creativity, devotion, and plain old gumption. I am always amazed.

I am still fat and happy...still married, still love my job (I was born to be a nurse). I think a lot about being thoughtful, and manage to steal tiny moments of clear vision. I would love to take a month long sabbatical, in the woods, beside a body of water, alone, with books as my company. Ecstasy. A dream. One day...

Okay. So maybe I will just post once per season.

I haven't been doing much writing lately, and that is when I can tell I have not been taking the time to be mindful and purposeful. It was a crazy, weird summer. The one flat of flowers I bought are still sitting in the flat on the back patio. That's just not me. But I am doing a little better...I had David bring the fall decoration box from storage, so we'll see if I can get them up before Christmas. Can't really write at work, so I'll try to pull it together later this week...Hang in there with me! :)

Really? It been almost six months since I wrote on this site? How does that happen? I just blink and another season is changing. I am conscious of wanting to live each day in the present, and try not to waste them on strife and nothingness. But looking back over a long stretch of time, I sometimes wonder if have been able to accomplish the things I want to accomplish...not in the worldly sense, but in growing in wisdom, and patience, peace, and self control. I have tried to be diligent to make sure I am honest about my emotions, not "stuffing" them, because I truly do feel a sense of peace about life in general. I remember one of my first posts had a similar theme...about being real. I think I'm doing okay.

I truly love my work. It is so completely stress free. That is such a new concept for me...my other work at least had the persistent potential to be an onslaught of adrenaline. Not so much here...although I have had to call a squad a couple of times. But, even though it is "retail health", I still feel like I have the opportunity to meet people where they are and try to be a blessing to their lives. It is not the little African mission I had in Columbus, but I have had more time here to BE with people, and to LISTEN to them, to encourage them, and lift them up. I have become convinced that you can minister ANYWHERE, as long as you commit to letting God work through you.

My children continue to live their lives in such beautiful ways...I feel more blessed than anyone could imagine. I like them. Thank you, God.

I'll try not to wait six more months...but who knows...

Fighting Fog...again.

Supper: Caramel Apple

I love sisters. One of mine brought me a caramel apple to work today. She is one of the most thoughtful, insightful people I know. I don't get home from work until about 8:30pm, so when I got home last night, I decided that since I am a grown up, and didn't have to fix food for anyone else, I was having caramel apple for supper. It was heavenly. But eating it led to a bit of reflection...

I don't really know how to articulate it clearly, but I am no longer "distracted" by having to meet the needs of children for the first time in 25 years. It didn't strike me as a freedom, but as an enormous responsibility. For the first time in such a long time, maybe ever, I have the responsibility to be me...to know who I am, to be who I really am, to think, to act...to actually be the person I imagine myself to be in my mind. I am the only one who can hold me back and keep me from living real, or wasting precious time. I want to LIVE, to bring out the best of myself and others, to grow, and learn.

I am grateful to be mindful of living deeper. My sweet caramel apple sister is one of the people who reminds me of these realities with her life. By the way, I did make a little omlette while I was dwelling on these profundities... :)

Supernatural Sacrifice

I have always stated, proudly, that I am a pretty nice gal, unless you hurt one of my children... but if you hurt one of my children, then the gloves come off, the claws come out...

Someone has hurt one of my children.

Deeply. With words he did not deserve.

And now I have a dilemma...I can live in the flesh, and retaliate with words. Or I can live in the spirit of God, and turn it over to Him. I know which one I WANT to do. Right now. But Ephesians 4:29-5:1 keeps playing over and over in my head.

To sacrifice my overwhelming desire to act on my motherly instinct goes against everything that is human in me. But today, I choose to "live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God"...it's just not natural.